It mystifying how things accurse at the same time…

The last couple of weeks my life has been spinning around – mostly because of these things;
- My very-soon-to-be ex-job.
- This way to much talked about “mr.Gun”
- My mom…

Not very long ago I started a new job. It sounded like a good idea, and during the first day things seemed fine. Not super-extra-perfect, but fine. From there on the down-hill-in-a-way-to-quick-tempo started…
Second day at work I started to realise this whole work thing maybe was a huge mistake. Huge. Third day my fear was confirmed and on the forth day I delivered my resignation. My only problem was the two-weeks-notice. Oh my freakin’ gosh!
I mean, I try not to use the word “hate”, but I really hate my job. Been working there for about five days and the result is devastating. My head hurts, my old neck problems are back. My back is beginning to hurt, my knees are hurting me – and all I want to do is lay down and die, rather than to go to work. No, not kidding. I postpone my bed-hour – hoping I won’t have to go to bed, because I know – after school I had to go to work. And I really, really don’t want to go to work.
There is just something that isn’t worth money. The influence this job has on my life is one such ting. The result is that I called my doc, talked to him about my job and he wrote this note – saying I really shouldn’t work. So – only tomorrow left, actually working. The last week, my doc has said I’m unable to work. If I had to continue to work there I don’t know what I’d done to be honest. I’m just thankful for being able to go without a job for a short while…

The second thing on my mind is this “mr.Gun”. Things between us has, to say the least, been very complicated. A month, or so, ago we had a talk about the rather scary subject “us”, and kind of come to a conclusion. I was ready to take our friendship further, he wasn’t. It wasn’t that big a surprise, but it didn’t bring us further from each other as I would have guessed. Rather the other way around… scary.
We kind of acted more and more as if we were together – until I said stop. We talked for a long while and agreed upon having a two-week-zero-contact-break. No contact what so ever… three more days, and we are done. Not sure what I’m thinking – or… I kind of know we won’t end up as a couple. I just know, at the same time something in me says that is like maybe the best. That we are only meant to be really good friends. Nothing more, nothing less…
The thing is; I have been missing him during these weeks, no doubt, but have I been missing him as a friend of as something more? Yeah, I do have feeling for him – kind of afraid to admit that, but still, I doubt we are meant to be more than friends. Or at least that’s what my mind is set on now. What he’s been thinking the last couple of weeks, I don’t know. Time will tell…

Third. My mom and I have always been close. Always. Still, when I moved back home this summer, her new boyfriend had moved in, and the thing that told me this was when his name suddenly had appeared on our mailbox... nice surprise.
Anyway, moved back to svg, and suddenly my mom receives a phone call and there she goes; buying herself, and her boyfriend – let’s not forget him…, a flat. Selling the house I’ve spent most of my life in, without giving me a heads up. The flat she (read: they) bough, really don’t have a space for me. I know I’ve been moving out and everything, but still. My mom went out, found her a boyfriend, bought a flat – selling the house I’ve grown up in… and yeah – didn’t tell the family until it was too late to do something with the deal.
I really don’t know what to say. I’m sad in one way, my mom and I will never get back what we used to have… I feel left alone, not wanted, de-prioritized… it’s amazing how much a series of acts can ruin things between people… right now I’m still not believing the whole thing… I will get over this, as everything before this, I just have to have faith in my new foundation, believe I can stand on my own feet. Without my mom...

In the end I’m just thankful for having God. He stands tall and strong everyday, showing me that something just is pure and easy… He has promised me to be there everyday – no matter, and He is.
amen

leaving "home"...

My last day. In this house, in this part of the country. The next time I come here, I don’t live here anymore, I just come to visit. In one way it’s weird, I mean, I’ve been living down here for most of my life, although I don’t like saying it, but it’s true. 14 years of my life, 10 of them in this house. A house I’m moving from, and my mom is probably selling. She and her new boyfriend are out house shopping. Yet another thing that suddenly came out in the open.

I’ve never been to close to this place, yeah, I’ve been living here for a long time, but still it doesn’t feel like home. But is there anyplace I really do feel like home? The place I’ve been feeling the most home has been at our cabin in the mountain. And sometimes I feel like I’m home in Svg. But otherwise, I rarely feel like I am home. So, why is it kind of hard to pack up the last things, saying goodbye to my room, the house… a home that really haven’t been a home…

The years I’ve had here have taught me a lot of things. It has taught me what I crave for, what I want and what I don’t want. I have learned valuable lessons, and lessons I shouldn’t have learned. Although I don’t like saying it, this house, this place, means a lot to me. Still, I don’t feel sad leaving, I feel ignored sometimes, considering my mom is planning to sell the house without notifying me, but still; what have I got to say? From tomorrow I no longer live here. And I no longer will. Ever again.

I really have to go pack up the last of the things. In about two and a half hour I’m leaving to attend a thing with my job, and everything has to be ready before I leave. 08.00 am tomorrow morning we’re going. I leave. I move. Going to find a place I can call home, and a place that will feel like it as well. I hope I’ll find it someday. Right now I have to pack my stuff, find my things and be ready to leave. Go on. Try to find my place. My home.